I have never been married but I am hoping to be a wife someday. I believe in love and the union of marriage as an everlasting journey with its sweet and sour moments but when that sourness becomes a bitter tree of abuse, one must walk out.
Today’s post is about a man I had a lengthy conversation with on my way home from the Accra Mall, after a long day of making sales during the Social Media Week.
It started with Ghc2
The conversation began when the ‘mateʼ (bus conductor) asked for his fare and he searched for his money but eventually, couldn’t find it. I glanced at him and looked out of the window to enjoy the cool breeze of the wind on my face. (*trying to mind my business*)
“I had a GH Cedis 2 note in my hand before I boarded this bus but I’m sure I might have lost it thinking it was rubbish” ….. he blurted out....
I turned to face him and grinned with a sigh.
He begun ranting about how hard the economy had become but still managed to somehow pay the transport fare. As usual, I went back to staring into open space.
“I can’t believe I am going to court tomorrow” he said. I stared back with a look of curiosity because I knew it was going to be an interesting story and he took the cue to and blurted ….
“ Women are too troublesome! Can you imagine that my own wife has taken me to the Social Welfare Department? A young girl I married after a previously failed marriage from which I have a son. She was a very nice woman and I really loved her.
When love turns sour
I labored for both of us because she chose to be a housewife which I was ok with, yet she was very ungrateful; always listening to her friends and family and comparing our marriage to theirs as if we were in the same boat…. Actually, I took a loan to purchase our house and then unfortunately, I lost my mother. I ended up using the loan meant for our house to pay for her funeral rites since I was her only son. My wife didn’t take it lightly even though I was the only one to make the payments... So because of a house I shouldn’t pay my last respect to my mother?” He paused.
He went on about how his wife had uncontrolled anger issues and anytime they had little fights she would head straight to her family house and tell everybody, and whenever they disagreed in public and he asked that they settle it home, she would get aggressive and haul insults on him. There was never an incident that happened which was just between the two of them. Even at home, she was cold towards him, and once pointed a knife at him during such incidents. He showed me a very deep cut his wife had inflicted on his arm as well as other bruises. He never told his family about her behavior because his father had warned him against marrying a woman who was younger than him.
When hell broke loose
Living in a house with several tenants, he always felt embarrassed but hoped for the best that someday his wife would change and her charm, eloquence and humility that drew her to him would soon return.
He could no longer bear the years of humiliation he had experienced and was propelled to hit her after a heated argument one day. He left for work only to return home later in the day to meet Police Officers at his doorstep. He was arrested and taken to the police station because his wife had lodged a complaint against him. The shame that was added to his already lost reputation was unbearable. After sharing this story with me, he went on to say… “my dear never ever report your husband to the police despite what may happen. I had to spend three days for just hitting her when she had been abusing me for a very long period of time.”
After a thoughtful silence , I replied to him… “I am not in any way supporting what your wife has been doing but the fact that you hit her and she reported it makes the situation punishable by law.... because it is an abuse. Nobody knows about what she has done to you in secret but if you had reported…..”
“Reported? Oh Sister, how can a man like me who is just left with 4years to go on pension report that my wife abuses me? That is not acceptable. I have sat her down and tried to settle things amicably but she refuses to listen. One mistake I realized too late was that, we were both not in the same Church, every Sunday I would leave home for Church and she would promise to attend hers but she never did. At least, if I had married from my Church, there would be a check on our lives due to counselling, because the Pastor and close friends might be observing. It would be best for you to get married to someone from your church or the same denomination if possible, he stated.
When you think there's hope
"But you stayed with her all this while. What if she had ended up killing you? I asked.
“That’s why it never happened, I was always willing to see my dear wife change since I always forgave her but locking me up was just a big blow, so I decided to let it go but this abuse case still holds. Now I have moved to the house we both planned to live in and I have my peace of mind. She calls me several times a day to apologize and keeps ranting about how her friends had influenced her to lock me up and just put unnecessary pressures on me since they thought I had enough money to spare and wasn’t spending enough on her. Though I have forgiven her, I would never take her back.
Despite sleeping in bed alone and waking up to find “the King” upstanding not having any “Queen” ready to serve, it would surely go back to sleep. At this age all that matters is my peace of mind besides, all this wealth that I have acquired, might probably be enjoyed by some other woman.
I giggled because all that came to mind was the Hollywood Movie titled “Acrimony”.
Just a few minutes to his stop he said, I know we may never meet again but I hope you will learn from my experience.
And I surely did learn a lot about communication in marriage and dealing with extended family pressures.
Love makes us vulnerable
Here was a wounded man who had nobody to rant to but a stranger. How could he even tell his family that he was going through an abuse at the hands of his wife? Because society deems it an error. We should know that when it comes to love in relationships and marriages, both men and women are vulnerable and we all fall victims. The thought of getting out flickers in our minds but the tiny light of hope that the situation would change keeps us locked in our misery and situation.
These narratives have to change!
Both men and women are weak!
We need to nurture our boys and young men to let go of societal labels of strength. Men should be able to talk about their emotions and problems without being ridiculed or judged!!
We are one people with the same Blood running through our veins!
The next time a friend is brave enough to share their stories with you, remember to counsel them without being sarcastic or ridiculing them because you might not know what they are going through!
P.S. As a feminist I got really emotional writing about this but thanks for reading and see you in the next post.
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